VERONA, Wis., April 1 – Electronic health record company Epic today announced a change to its widely used reporting and analytics module. The intelligence software suite, referred to as “Cogito ergo sum” or “Cogito” for short, has been renamed to “Je Pense Donc Je Suis,” or “Je Pense” for short.

In a de facto mea culpa, Epic spokesman Shawn Kiesau admitted, “The status quo was unsustainable. Most customers simply found it too challenging to pronounce correctly a phrase from an irrelevant lingua mortua – ergo the name change.” The suite’s new name, “Je Pense,” is the original French version of Rene Descartes’s famous epigram, and sticks with the sentiment of existential affirmation.

Hourlong training sessions in Cogito pronunciation for Epic employees and end-users had not corrected the issue, says Kiesau: “There was a certain a priori knowledge of Latin that was, ipso facto, just not present for most people – regardless of our ad nauseam promotion of the name, our classes, our users’ group sessions, et cetera.”

When asked if the subtle nuances of the French language are an appropriate fit for Epic’s largely English-speaking users, Kiesau replied, “Users are already making bona fide efforts. C’est la vie.”